Large victories and not so small defeats...

Another rejection letter came today... this was #3. I'm going to go with the whole blessing in disguise argument. Quit with the eye rolling, I enjoy living in denial.

My mood has improved slightly over the weekend... Only 20 days until graduation :)

I've officially HALVED myself by dropping from a size 16 to a size 8. Funny thing is, I don't really see anything different when I look in the mirror. I have to look at the tags of the new clothes I just bought to remind me how far I've come. Now 3 weeks until graduation and the goal is to hit 140 by then...9 pounds to go.

My heart is still feeling broken. I guess it just needs more time... I think it also needs me to figure out how to let go of all of the self loathing and love myself. Feeling full can't come from someone else... but it sure feels a hell of a lot emptier without them.

If anyone knows what the hell I'm supposed to do now... I'm all ears.

There's a first time for everything...

The hardest part of beginning is beginning...

I just spent Thanksgiving by myself... studying and packing, making excuses to avoid human contact when the only thing I really needed was human contact.

My family lives 2000 miles away and I spent another year without them. That won't happen again considering I'm leaving my life out east to go back to my roots. Is it the right choice? I'm not sure. Was it the right choice to come out here to go to physician assistant school in the first place? I'm not sure. I was running away from myself and from them and from my friends... I needed to reinvent myself... and that I did. 2 years later... I'm a totally different person than the one who packed up the car two years ago and drove cross country to follow a dream. I grew up, I fell in love, I lived... and now I'm in the midst of falling apart.

I think.

So I guess let's deal with the first issue first. I'm 25 years old and I  fell in love for the first time this year.

The kind that makes the world stop... makes you hold your breath...and makes it seem like all of those assholes you "dated" before were totally worth it.
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It was the first time anyone ever said "I love you" and I actually believed it and somewhere, somehow, something changed... After 7 months I could tell something wasn't right. Instead of him texting or calling to say "I love you", it took him two days to get back to me... he started breaking plans... ignoring my calls. So I stopped calling... I stopped trying, just to see how long it would take if I wasn't the one putting in the effort.

It took three weeks for him to tell me he was still alive.

I was so afraid of this relationship when it started. I liked him too much from the beginning. So I didn't show it and I certainly didn't let myself feel it. A smart girl keeps her distance.

But he was so wonderful. Doing all the right things, saying all the right things... And I fell. Hard. And so did he at first. But something changed.

I'm still not sure what it was. I deserve the person he was in the beginning... I don't deserve the way he was treating me in the end. So I broke it off. He reply was "Good luck."

What I don't know is how to accept the fact that whatever changed wasn't me. I didn't change. And I don't think there was anything I could have done to change the way things ended up.

But it hurts... and I don't know how to fix it.

How do you let go of the only person who ever said "I love you."

So that's where I'm at right now. At 11:47 pm, I'm stuck here.
Tomorrow will hold something different, but as of now I'm dealing with this.