Always searching for a piece of me

So after quite a long hiatus, here I am again. Things have been really crazy... life really changes everything doesn't it?

I ended up back in MN after all... Took what I thought would be my dream job... in my dream city... and all I ended up with were crushed dreams.

Pardon the Debbie Downer attitude for a few minutes while I clear my head.


I moved to a place that I loved once, a place that was full of friends and laughter and memories. I thought the memories would be enough to carry me through. Guess I was wrong. The only thing I've found here is a imbalance. I work too much, play too little, and take no time for myself. I've gained about 10 pounds back but it feels like more. I have limited access to my friends and family and I really see them no more often living 1 hour away by car than I did living across the country. I eat too much to fill the empty space, I don't work out anymore because I don't have the drive, and I can't sleep well so all I want to do is sleep.

I'm in that weird age group where I chose a career over love, marriage, and children while my friends chose the opposite. Now I'm starting to feel as though you can't have it all and I made my choice.

Now don't get me wrong I realize that most of this is not true and I my time will come, where I can have it all, a career and a family of my own, but I swear if one more person tells me that, I might actually resort to a punch in the nose.

Now comes the moment of truth... Do I move back out east away from my family back to a group of people that I love and adore? Or do I move to the big city where my other friends are, the friends from long ago whom I also love and adore? Or do I move away from all of them and try and find my own way, immerse myself in the loneliness,  do what's most uncomfortable, without access to anyone to lean on and prove to myself that I don't need anyone, that I can survive with only the love and support of myself.

For now I just need to be thankful for a roof over my head, a job, and family and friends that do love me... no matter how lonely and isolated I feel.

Cheers to that...

Frustration...

Started a temp job to earn a little cash until my credentialling goes through...

Just found out that my certification papers didn't come because they may fall under the category of mail that can't be forwarded... Awesome. Applying for my license is pending because of that paperwork. I'll have to call the board and find out tomorrow if the info sent to them straight from the certifying body is enough, so I can at least get the ball rolling.

Also need to call the lady at the hospital and work on finishing up my credentialling paper work... although nothing can happen until I get my license and get my certification papers in the mail. Awesome again.

I just want my life to start already! And I'm worried that they will give my job away if I can't get this paperwork straightened out any faster. Even though it's all a little out of my hands at this point. I didn't realize that the change of address was going to throw everything all to hell. Oye.

This isn't about winning a game, it's about fixing what's broken...

I saw that sign hanging on the wall in the Biggest Loser gym...


Well I'm back in MN working on getting myself a job. I have one offer already and I'm excited about it, however, there is another job that I'm frantically trying to get that I'd like to hear back from before I decide anything for certain. There are pros and cons to each one, but what it comes down to is, location, location, location. One of them is in a location that's about 5 hours from my family, which is fine. But it is also 5 hours from my very best childhood friend which may not be a bad thing since him and I seem to not be able to be just friends without causing drama in each others lives. We also can't seem to be together either. If I get the job that I really really want which is only about 1.5 hours from my family, he talked about coming to live with me to finish school. Oye. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. He confuses me and makes life more complicated.
Although, last weekend we took a little getaway adventure and went and toured our old stomping grounds. We had so much fun. I forgot how good it felt to truly enjoy his company. I have to say that it will be filed in as one of my favorite memories of the two of us. I was able to enjoy him for who he is and who I am when I'm with him... without any expectations. Amazing.

I'm back in the gym everyday kicking my own ass. I'm determined to get that damn half marathon ran this year. No injuries this time around (cross my fingers). It's a little frustrating though because I joined the weight watchers at my mom's work and I'm coming up on the 1st weigh in after starting the program and starting back on my training schedule and I think all I've done is gain weight. Haha! Oh well. I'll just keep trying.


Aside from this, my entire attitude has turned around. I feel like I'm beginning to let things go and leave it up to the universe to decide. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me... like I can finally start loving me for me and letting all the rest fall into place without a whole lot of over-analyzing. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of self-loathing and times when I feel like understanding my life is more difficult than breaking into Fort Knox... but I'm working on it.

My Aunt told me she watched Jenny McCarthy on Oprah the other day... and Jenny said "I am the love of my life...Now everybody that comes into my life is just whipped cream, but I come in as the full sundae." Best advice ever. I think once I can really let that sink in everything else will work out like it needs to.