And around we go again

So the decision has officially been made... Back out east I go. I got an offer that I can't refuse and think that it's going to lead to a long and happy future. Now just to find a job, save some money, and get my life moving back in the right direction.

It's been a crazy few months, went through therapy, reunited with old friends, got a puppy... And I think I may have found my forever partner in crime. Doesn't get to be much more of a roller coaster than that. However, I wake up each day thankful for everything I have been through. I mean, all in all I lead a pretty glorious life.

It's all about attitude and I decided that I am taking charge of my life and becoming the person that I've always wanted to become... and I'm not letting myself or anyone else stand in the way any longer.

Always searching for a piece of me

So after quite a long hiatus, here I am again. Things have been really crazy... life really changes everything doesn't it?

I ended up back in MN after all... Took what I thought would be my dream job... in my dream city... and all I ended up with were crushed dreams.

Pardon the Debbie Downer attitude for a few minutes while I clear my head.


I moved to a place that I loved once, a place that was full of friends and laughter and memories. I thought the memories would be enough to carry me through. Guess I was wrong. The only thing I've found here is a imbalance. I work too much, play too little, and take no time for myself. I've gained about 10 pounds back but it feels like more. I have limited access to my friends and family and I really see them no more often living 1 hour away by car than I did living across the country. I eat too much to fill the empty space, I don't work out anymore because I don't have the drive, and I can't sleep well so all I want to do is sleep.

I'm in that weird age group where I chose a career over love, marriage, and children while my friends chose the opposite. Now I'm starting to feel as though you can't have it all and I made my choice.

Now don't get me wrong I realize that most of this is not true and I my time will come, where I can have it all, a career and a family of my own, but I swear if one more person tells me that, I might actually resort to a punch in the nose.

Now comes the moment of truth... Do I move back out east away from my family back to a group of people that I love and adore? Or do I move to the big city where my other friends are, the friends from long ago whom I also love and adore? Or do I move away from all of them and try and find my own way, immerse myself in the loneliness,  do what's most uncomfortable, without access to anyone to lean on and prove to myself that I don't need anyone, that I can survive with only the love and support of myself.

For now I just need to be thankful for a roof over my head, a job, and family and friends that do love me... no matter how lonely and isolated I feel.

Cheers to that...

Frustration...

Started a temp job to earn a little cash until my credentialling goes through...

Just found out that my certification papers didn't come because they may fall under the category of mail that can't be forwarded... Awesome. Applying for my license is pending because of that paperwork. I'll have to call the board and find out tomorrow if the info sent to them straight from the certifying body is enough, so I can at least get the ball rolling.

Also need to call the lady at the hospital and work on finishing up my credentialling paper work... although nothing can happen until I get my license and get my certification papers in the mail. Awesome again.

I just want my life to start already! And I'm worried that they will give my job away if I can't get this paperwork straightened out any faster. Even though it's all a little out of my hands at this point. I didn't realize that the change of address was going to throw everything all to hell. Oye.

This isn't about winning a game, it's about fixing what's broken...

I saw that sign hanging on the wall in the Biggest Loser gym...


Well I'm back in MN working on getting myself a job. I have one offer already and I'm excited about it, however, there is another job that I'm frantically trying to get that I'd like to hear back from before I decide anything for certain. There are pros and cons to each one, but what it comes down to is, location, location, location. One of them is in a location that's about 5 hours from my family, which is fine. But it is also 5 hours from my very best childhood friend which may not be a bad thing since him and I seem to not be able to be just friends without causing drama in each others lives. We also can't seem to be together either. If I get the job that I really really want which is only about 1.5 hours from my family, he talked about coming to live with me to finish school. Oye. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. He confuses me and makes life more complicated.
Although, last weekend we took a little getaway adventure and went and toured our old stomping grounds. We had so much fun. I forgot how good it felt to truly enjoy his company. I have to say that it will be filed in as one of my favorite memories of the two of us. I was able to enjoy him for who he is and who I am when I'm with him... without any expectations. Amazing.

I'm back in the gym everyday kicking my own ass. I'm determined to get that damn half marathon ran this year. No injuries this time around (cross my fingers). It's a little frustrating though because I joined the weight watchers at my mom's work and I'm coming up on the 1st weigh in after starting the program and starting back on my training schedule and I think all I've done is gain weight. Haha! Oh well. I'll just keep trying.


Aside from this, my entire attitude has turned around. I feel like I'm beginning to let things go and leave it up to the universe to decide. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me... like I can finally start loving me for me and letting all the rest fall into place without a whole lot of over-analyzing. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of self-loathing and times when I feel like understanding my life is more difficult than breaking into Fort Knox... but I'm working on it.

My Aunt told me she watched Jenny McCarthy on Oprah the other day... and Jenny said "I am the love of my life...Now everybody that comes into my life is just whipped cream, but I come in as the full sundae." Best advice ever. I think once I can really let that sink in everything else will work out like it needs to.

One day you will

I'm such a music freak and I have so many songs on my iPod, I haven't heard all of them. So I put the damn thing on shuffle today while I was making the hour commute to clinic and here's what comes on...

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

Oh Lady Antebellum, how you are so right...
I've got a few job interviews coming my way. One of the hospitals is bringing me in for two full days of interviews with 3 different departments just to see where I'd be a good fit. I think that sounds hopeful.

As far as the rest of it, I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted I have no motivation to study for my boards at all. It's all I can do just to get myself to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to sleep. My one goal in life right now is to go to sleep and wake up feeling rested.

On a brighter note, the family will be here in 12 DAYS, Graduation in TWO WEEKS, and the boards in 18 DAYS! EEEK! The two best and worst years of my life are almost OVER. Love it. Serisouly. Can't get any better than that. I'm almost a "real" professional. No more part time jobs, no more wondering where the money is going to come from, NO MORE ROOMMATES... matching furniture, my cat/cats (future tense on the plural... adopting another when I get a new place so that the one I have will have a companion after being with my mom's dog for the last 4 years.)

SO EXCITED for what the future holds :) It's my time to shine!

Today is another day

Today I had a moment...

I was in the car driving back to my apartment from my rotation (an hour away) because my computer died and I wanted to take it to the Best Buy right near the place I live rather than the one close to the clinic because my rotation is over next week and if they had to send it out to be fixed then I would have to drive an hour out of the way to go pick it up.

I digress...

I was driving listening to the radio... it was a beautiful day outside, sunshine and 50 degrees. Then this song comes on the radio

Don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think you don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it

Next thing I know I'm sobbing driving down the damn freeway. Seriously?

I had to have a conversation with myself.

So there I am, in between sobs, talking out loud to myself saying "Ok look, life is hard right now, but hold it together for three more weeks. In three weeks you can fall the hell apart and no one will blame you, but right now you've got to hold yourself together." I'm sure the person in the Venza right next to me thought I was a NUT JOB.(By the way the song was a little Darius Rucker... who doesn't cry when listening to Hootie.)

On the other hand, the computer is officially dead. I was told by the incredibly shy and completely adorable Geek Squad guy that it would cost anywhere from $60 to $300 to fix my computer and that in his professional opinion I would be better off not fixing it and just getting a new computer. Awesome. 3 weeks until graduation and my computer DIED.

Oh well. Right now I just need to keep my chin up, my head down, and power through until the end.

Time for studying and the Bruins game.

Getting there...

Things are looking up and down today. Although having a good sense of humor has definitely helped today...

Was supposed to have a phone interview last night with a hospital in the Mayo system... AT&T decided to have a network problem. Couldn't call out and had no idea if anyone else could call in. Thank goodness the woman was really understanding when I was finally able to speak with her today. Everything went well and she is going to forward my resume on to both the Urgent Care department and the Urology department. Woo!

Day before yesterday, my laptop (which to be honest had been making a GOD AWFUL noise that sounded much like a jet engine) was completely silent. Then after being on for about an hour, just decided to shut itself off. So naturally (because I'm the boss) I decided to turn it back on. How dare electronics have a mind of their own!! Sadly, it turned on, booted up, and shut right back down again. LAME.

GEEK SQUAD TO THE RESCUE... except no rescue for this one. Most likely the fan died and depending upon which fan, the cost of repair is almost as much as a new computer. Seriously? 18 days until graduation and my computer shits the bed. Balls. Soooo... I'm bringing it to them to look at anyway. Maybe there will be an early Christmas miracle and they will be able to fix it. If not, I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do to survive my last 18 days of PA school without a computer.

Besides that... just trying to FORCE myself to focus and study for my damn boards. I'm burning out. Need a vacation desperately.

15 days until my family arrives, 17 days until graduation, 19 days until my boards, 20 days until we head out on the 30 hour drive back to MN... then freedom, sweet freedom.

I'm also not usually so much of a Debbie Downer. I'm usually quite flighty and comical. I'm just trying to sort out a lot of stuff in my head right now.

On the upside, if y'all keep following me then you'll get to see a happy ending. Because everyone deserves a happy ending. And if the universe doesn't throw one at me, I'm going to make my own happy ending.

And it starts a little something like this...

Once upon a time...